Craptastic Valentine's Day, from your kid's teacher

I've been seeing a bunch of really cute kids' crafts for Valentine's Day popping up on Pinterest.  They look super fun and really cute.  Some are way too advanced for even me, but have at- I say.  I began growing concerned when I started seeing things like, "Super cute for kid's teacher!"; "Teacher gift idea"; "Great for kid's teacher!" on a bunch of these crafts.  Alarm bells really started going off when I saw a pipe cleaner heart to be used as a pencil topper labeled as a fantastic teacher gift.  Don't get me wrong, I think doing Valentine's Day crafts with your kids is awesome.  Just don't pawn them off on your poor kid's teacher!

I used to be a teacher before I had my daughter.  I didn't have my own kids, so my students were like my children.  And I had 32 of them in one room, all day long.  Believe me, I received PLENTY of crappy cute crafts. 

Valentine's Day was a day I always loved as a teacher.  We got to have an actual party, exchange Valentines, consume mass amounts of sugar, and then I shipped the kids home.  Though, the last couple of years it did seem to start to go downhill.  Why?  Craptastic teacher gifts.  No longer was I getting gigantic Hersey's kisses,

This is the way to get your kid an A

 

massive quantities of chocolate roses,

Last much longer than real ones, maybe...

 

or an unhealthy load of Valentine's candy. 

Just look at all those green ones.

 

 

No, I was getting things like this:

Heart people at Stamping Country

 

 

Toilet paper roll craft at Sweet and Lovely Crafts

 

 

Heart Butterflies at blog me mom

 

 

Now, don't get me wrong.  All these crafts are ADORABLE!  I LOVE them!  I will probably even make all of them with my own kid.  I just won't send it to school for my poor kid's teacher.  

 

Teachers get a ton of stuff from their students.  (At least elementary kiddos- I probably wouldn't want anything from middle or high schoolers, yuck.)  I was constantly getting hand-drawn pictures, notes, stickers, etc.  I filed them all away for days when I felt like crap.  Then I would read them and remember I was pretty much the best teacher ever. 

 

So, when I started getting these crafts from home, I was like, "Ummm. Thanks?"  I had no room to store them, file them, or display them.  And then the kids would have broken hearts if it didn't take up residence on the front of my desk for like 6 weeks.  And I had to write a thank you for them. 

 

    Dear Parent and Kid,

  Thank you for the sparkly craft you made for me for Valentine's Day!  I sure have loved having to look at it everyday and all the glitter that has seeped into the cracks of my computer keyboard.  I love having to pick it up off of the floor after having knocked it over for the 15th time every day.  No, I don't plan on throwing it away.  I plan on using it to start a bon-fire with all the other homemade handy crap I got.  Thanks again!

 

So parents, please, don't send something to your kids teacher because you think it's cute.  They get that stuff ALL THE TIME already.  (Especially from art class because the kid doesn't want to haul it home.)   Get them what they really want for Valentine's Day:  chocolate.  And if you really like them, a cheap bottle of wine.  Because they're used to it, and can't afford the good quality stuff.  Then send your Valentine's Crafts to people who would really enjoy it, like Grandparents. 

We just got Billy's Valentine gift.  What till you see it!

 

 





Two easy-peasy, no-plan toddler activities

If you haven't noticed, I'm all about keeping my daughter busy so I can stalk on Facebook and blogs get important things done around the house.  I also have a hard time planning ahead.  Or getting things finished.  I would really like to, but my brain just doesn't function unless I am in the throws of sheer panic. 

Thank you Hyperbole and a Half, for perfectly describing me.

 

Since I don't want my daughter to suffer because of my insanity, I have a collection of fast, easy, no-plan activities that she loves.  Here are two:

1. Box guitar

I saw this fancy-shmancy one on Pinterest (of course- I have no original ideas.) I don't have time to paint on a cardboard box- or rather I do, but I would rather read, take a bath, or pretty much do any other activity.  So here is my creation!

 

 

Yes, it is just a tiny shoebox with rubber bands on it!!  I know!  Totally awesome and it took me literally less than one minute to put it together.  And the little pete played with it for about 30 minutes to begin with and then kept coming back to it all day.  I put it away for 3 days, got it out and then she played with it again!  SCORE!

 

2. Pom pom play

Those little multi-colored fuzzy pom poms are worth 20 times their weight in gold (because they weigh next to nothing- duh.)  We have an old sour cream container with holes cut out of the top that my daughter will push the pom poms into- and that is REALLY fun, but I discovered this new one the other day by accident.  She dumped the container of pom poms all over the floor (shocking, I know).  I had some tongs sitting on the edge of the counter and some miscellaneous boxes waiting to go to the garage.  (You can see where I'm going with this, can't you?)  I showed my daughter how to use the tongs to pick up the pom poms and viola!  Busy, busy girl for a VERY long time. 

 

Putting the pom poms in.

Add another container for another level of extreme fun!

Amazing!

 

 

Or, you could just leave your kiddo to their own devices while you go write a blog post. 

Those aren't my pants all over the floor, Mommy.  I don't know how this drawer got open.

 

Sigh.

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A Roundabout Book Review of Exceptional by Jess Petosa

My husband LOVES horror movies.  The stupider (more stupid?) the better.  He doesn't like thrillers so much, but more like those B or D movies on the Syfy network that have graphics nerds shaking their heads in shame.  So, the other night, he puts on "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)".  I DO NOT like scary movies. 

This will give me nightmares. 



I usually can avoid them by reading while still being in the same room.  Alas, I had no books checked out and so resigned myself that cruising Pinterest would be enough distraction.  I should have known better.  The movie started to creep me out in the first 5 minutes.  You know it's going to bad when the main characters are two young women alone in a foreign countries.  The most I'm going to say about this movie is that some SICK F came up with the idea of making a crazy ass German guy turn 3 people into a human centipede.  It is seriously the most twisted crap I have ever seen.  If you are curious, check out the link above.  Let me just tell you that my hubby told me, "Whatever you do, DON'T LOOK," about 20 times.  So, of course I peeked about 12 of those and have been trying to figure out how to pour bleach into my brain ever since. 

It's not a real product, believe me I tried to find it.

 

So, after the movie finished, the hubby stretched, kissed me goodnight and left me curled in the fetal position on the couch.  I knew there was no way I was going to get to sleep without trying to flush those images out of my mind, so I got on my amazon account and searched for something cheap to buy that might still be engrossing.  Enter:

Exceptional by Jess Petosa

I did not check my goodreads, just read the blurb on amazon and clicked buy.  (Faceplant)  Here is the summary from goodreads:

 

"In 2022, the United States commissioned a group of scientists to experiment with genetic mutations. Their goal was to create a serum that would alter the human genetic code, making the subject stronger and faster. They succeeded but their victory was short lived. Not only had they created a super serum, but also an airborne virus. By 2025, seventy-five percent of the world's population had perished. The survivors, well their lives would never be the same.

175 A.V.

Ally is an Ordinary; a human immune to the virus. She lives in a settlement outside the City with her mother and twin brother, but lately it doesn't seem to be enough. She is wrestling between being with her family and volunteering to move to the City, where she can work for the Exceptionals.

Luke is an Exceptional; a superior human being. His ancestors were infected with the virus and lived through it, leaving their super human strength and special abilities to him. He has never given much thought to Ordinarys, despite pressure from his father to choose one from the ORC. But all of that changes when he meets Ally... "

 

I know, sounds pretty good, right?  Well, it was, kind of.  I can't really put my finger on what I didn't like about the book.  It just felt kind of unfinished.  The ending is a HUGE cliffhanger, which royally pisses me off, but that wasn't the problem.  It felt like the characters weren't super developed and that things had been left out that made the characters feel or act the way they were acting.  I don't know.  It's supposed to be some great romance, but I still don't know WHY Luke is so crazy about Ally or WHY Ally is so crazy about Luke.  I get the whole world the author created, why Luke acts the way he does with his father and why Ally acts the way she does about her family.  There is just the whole development of their falling in love that was missing.  I need some romance, attraction, something.  And I didn't get it.  The book is a quick read.  It follows the dystopian YA formula pretty well.  The concept was really cool and I loved the way the author constructed what was happening in the world (except at the end- then you're like WTF?!?! why are you going THERE?).  The most I can say about the novel is:

 

However, it did succeed in distracting me from the horrors I'd inflicted on myself earlier and I had no nightmares.

 



 

There are no words

Elmo the Musical is apparently supposed to turn my kid into a nutcase. Today I was reading my twitter feed cleaning, cooking, or something.   My wonderful daughter is OBSESSED with Elmo so she watches Sesame Street in the morning.  Well it's actually more of her screaming Elmo in a rage at the TV until he appears, then screaming Elmo in glee until he disappears, then the rage screaming again- its an ugly cycle. Anyway- this morning Elmo pretended to be a cowboy and instead of herding cows, he had a herd of kittycows- cats wearing little cow horns on their head. Usually I just drown Elmo out with my coffee, but something just didn't seem right when I looked at the TV and saw this:

 

Yes, those are cats with two little fangs and a pompom with horns attached to it on their heads.  After staring in shock, thinking WTF?!?! for a minute, the cats put on those creepy Mexican wrestling masks.

Scary just hanging there pretending to be innocent.

 

I'm not shitting you. I was trying too hard to comprehend what I was seeing to snap a picture. So when my daughter turns out to be completely batshit crazy, I know where to place the blame. Whew- there's one off me!

Update: It was on again on the other PBS channel. I got the cats in masks. Warning: you won't know what the heck is happening.

Two Quick & Cheap Boredom Busters

The weather has been pretty crappy here, so I'm trapped staying inside with my daughter.  We also recently bought a house, so my husband has hidden all the money spending devices from me and threatened divorce if I so much as take a step into Target so we're on a budget.  Needless to say, we are both going a little bonkers.  I am on a diet (BLECH!) so I can't consume near as much wine, meaning that my creativity is down.  Hello pinterest!  Yay!  I searched through my pinboard with all the crap on it for my kiddo, looking for something entertaining, easy, quick, and cheap.  A lot of things claim to be that, but really most things I attempt turn out looking a little like this:

Score!  SOOOOO... I found two things that I'm pretty sure someone wearing mittens couldn't mess up.  Both of these activities could be done with older kids, also. My daughter is a year and a half, and she did awesome. 

#1: Colored vinegar and water

This was seriously amazing.  My 19 month old daughter was busy with this for like, an hour.  Not even exaggerating.  Do you know how much time I wasted on the internet cleaning I got done?  I found the idea on Pinterest (of course) but the original post is here.  Seriously all I did was dump some baking soda in a plastic container, pour some vinegar into cups, put food coloring into the vinegar, and give it to my kid.  Ta-da!  Mommy free time!

First attempts were mine- had to show her what happened, then she went to town.  I gave her a dropper at first. 

Already tried to eat the vinegar and spit it out (as seen on her belly, along with pretty marker drawings.)



Next, I gave her a couple of spoons.  The dropper just wasn't hacking it.  She would dump some baking soda into the cups of vinegar, and that was REALLY exciting. 

 



 

Let the mess/insanity begin.

 

 

 

Oh happy day.  And yes, that is my Christmas tree is in my dining room.  I didn't want those bastard needles on my nice carpet.  Don't judge me.

#2: Homemade Ooblick/Goop

I LOVED ooblick as a kid.  My nieces and nephews LOVE ooblick/goop.  I tried it on my daughter a couple months ago and it did not go over well.  I thought it was time to try again.  My sister-in-law gave me the recipe, and I have it pinned about six times somewhere.  Ooblick is mind blowing. It's solid, then it's liquid, then kinda liquidy, then solid again. Roll it up into a ball in your hands and it just oozes out. I We played with this stuff for a solid hour. I added food coloring, but be careful- we had aqua colored hands for a solid 2 days after.  This stuff is seriously AMAZING.  All you need is cornstarch and water.  To start, I mix it two parts cornstarch to one part water (usually 1 cup of cornstarch with 1/2 cup of water) and then add more water as needed. 

The first taste was pretty nasty.  Not going to eat the ooblick.  Or lick the fingers.  I know it just looks like I dumped milk on her tray- but it's the ooblick!  And that is SOLID up there.  CRA-ZY. 

This is mixing food coloring in, after ooblick already made.  BAD idea.  It's like mixing up concrete.  Mix food coloring with water, then add to cornstarch. 

This is when she starts this evil little giggle thing.  Not sure if it came from me... 

My precious....

Now we're done. 

 

A successful time, hands down. Or up?



Pinterest Growth Chart

I love Pinterest. Really love it. And I am AWESOME at pinning things, but not really good at taking the things I’ve pinned and doing something with them. 
Well... I actually made something not too long ago. 

It’s a growth chart that looks like a ruler! As a kid, we always marked on a door frame at my great aunt’s house. I LOVED doing this, seeing how much taller I was getting each time we would visit. However, I wanted one that I could take with us if we moved, and also one that wasn’t primary colors. I first saw this idea on an email from HGTV that led me to their designer blog.  So I pinned it, and it sat on my board for a couple of months. Then, in the same day, I saw 2 tutorials on Pinterest. The first one was from Naptime Decorator, and I loved it. After I read her instructions, I was a little bummed, because I didn’t have stencil numbers. Then I found one from 517 Creations, and the instructions told me how to get the numbers to look authentic. Fantastic!  I wanted to tweak each a little bit, so here's my DIY instructions.

1. Have some handyman help!

My father-in-law just happens to build houses and anything that is made of wood. So, I cruised out to his shed, picked out some wood that looked good and had him cut it to 6 1/2 feet tall. I wanted the growth chart to kind of make a statement in a room, so I didn’t want it to be small. He and my husband planed the board and sanded it down nice and smooth for me. They also drilled a hole about a 1/2 foot from the top and bottom. You can kind of see it in the picture below.  I'm pretty sure you can have people at Lowe's/Home Depot/Menards/etc do this for you for a small fee. 

2. Measure, measure, then measure again.

I started out working in the kitchen on the tile, but quickly figured out that the TV and comfy carpet were in the living room. And after 5 minutes my knees were screaming at me. I wanted my ruler to look like an old-timey ruler, so made fewer marks than are shown on the others.  I want to hang this chart 6 inches off the floor, so my first ‘inch’ (foot) mark was actually 6 inches from the bottom of the board. I made all of my foot marks first, then came back and made a mark at 3 inches, 6 inches, and 9 inches from each foot mark. The 3 and 9 marks are the 1/4 inch and the 6 mark is the 1/2 inch mark.

 

My lovely helper decided to add her own special artwork.

Outside to the sander, back to work.

3. Make your marks.

I started making the marks with my square, but they were bleeding everywhere, so I flipped the board over and started over on the other side. I grabbed a thank you card and measured my lengths on it, so I didn’t have to use the square. I folded it up so that I would have straight lines. I made my inch marks 3 inches long, 1/2 marks 1 1/2 inches long, and my 1/4 marks 1 inch long. I used a pencil to mark them all out first.

Then, I took my poster pen (like a sharpie) and traced the marks and made them larger.  I highly recommend outlining first, then filling in. The marks didn’t bleed as bad when I did this.

4. Find your font

I got onto Word and searched for some numbers that screamed old school ruler to me. I ended up using Modern No. 20 as my font and the size is 260. I printed the numbers and cut off the excess paper on the top.  At first, I took a pencil and traced the back of the number

then lined them up 2 inches down on my foot marks and about 1/4 of an inch away. I took a ball point pen and traced the front of the number, which transfers the pencil marks onto the board.

Then, I traced the number with my poster pen (again, do the outside first, then inside.)

After awhile, I figured out that I could just scribble over the back with the pencil, and then whatever I traced with the pen would be what transferred.  MUCH faster. 
Without the handyman help, this project took me two days.  I worked on most of it during my daughter's naptime.  After it was all dried, I applied two separate coats of polyurethane. 

And there you have it!
An awesome, portable growth ruler for your kiddos that you won’t mind displaying in the living parts of your house!

The Fabulist

The Fabulist.
A fabulist is traditionally someone who tells fables, stories.
It's also been called a liar.
Take what you want from that.

I'm a stay-at-home mom (or SAHM for those of you who don't get the acronym-I just figured it out. Also, WTH is with DD, DS, and DH? Why do our family members have to be 'Dear'? I just call mine my kid or hubby) of a beautiful, smart little stinker who was born in May 2011. I have an AMAZING hubby who works his tail off so that I can stay at home. Most of the time, I'm pretty mean to him, but it's just because he's so awesome that I have to make myself feel better about my non-awesomeness. He's brilliant, funny, and very attractive; so I'm constantly on guard for hussies who want to make him their awesome hubby. Back off hussies.

I was an elementary teacher, and sometimes I miss it. Okay, I don't miss the planning, arguing with parents/staff/students/general idiots, non-student related paperwork/activities, having a lesson totally bomb and having to reteach it, recess duty in the winter, recess duty not in the winter, hot lunch, or being called into the principal's office (scary no matter what your role is). So, basically I guess I miss hanging out with kids all day- let me rephrase that- I miss hanging out with certain kids all day. So, now I get to hang out with MY kid all day and she is freaking awesome. Most of the time. Except when she's yelling or hitting me or something like that.

Someday I want to be an author of a published book, but I'm a pretty big slacker, so I don't know if it will ever happen. I have "bright shiny object' disease, which means if something isn't bright or shiny enough to keep my attention, I probably don't care about it. Which is the stack of notebooks of started novels I have shoved somewhere.

So, I started this blog because I (like a billion other moms) need somewhere to show off the stuff I do. And I know they are a big deal to other moms. Some days it's a big deal to just get my teeth brushed before the hubby gets home. So this is all about me and the stuff I do: crafts, projects with my kiddo, food, wine, red wine, white wine, pinterest stuff, and books. I LOVE to read and will do it anytime, anywhere. I also am on a mission to get back to prebaby body before this summer, so I joined a well known company that certain celebrities endorse (but one can't now because she's pregnant), so I'll probably be putting up a lot of crap about that. (BOO!) Let me know if you have post ideas or simply enjoy reading. It will be awesome to get some feedback!